Filled the kids Easter baskets with candy cigarettes and lawn darts because nothing matters anymore

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

I recommend being wrong once in a while. It's very good for the worst parts of your ego

Every once in a while the supermarket reorganizes where items are located in the store because I guess we don't have enough inconveniences in life.

I first learned the "bend and snap" on Legally Blonde. But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way...

I'm so good at sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed.

welcome to hell

The library said if I keep eating lollipops that way I can't come back

the seventh grader in me wants to high five whoever did this

the greatest trick my dog ever learned was convincing me that i’m actually her emotional support animal

I’m not erratic; I’m funpredictable.

I’m really proud of the hawk tuah girl, getting this much mileage out of being funny one time is normally a male dominated field

You have to understand, a lot of things seemed extreme to us in the 90s. It was a more innocent time.

My 6yo loves to build things out of cardboard boxes, so I'm really doing him a favor with all this online shopping

My before and after photographs are about the same, but one of them has extra cheese.

I’m up before 5am again for a week straight so I guess I’m this person now.

Called in, "Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day."

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

just arby’s bein’ a bro

The possibilities are endless, but I just want the good ones.