I should not be laughing this hard but dear god.

Some lady just asked me what my sign was and all i could think to say was I'll tell you later at the Regal Beagle

whatever you do, don't let it make you mean

Afterschool Specials led me to believe I would be offered more free drugs.

I once found a deflated 'Get Well Soon' balloon in a graveyard and there's never been anything more representative of the human condition.

This goober is 1 year old today! Happy Birthday, Ellie! ❤️🐾❤️🐾❤️

If you ever wonder if I’m like my mom, she got excited & just texted me 10 pictures of a beautiful moth that she saw on her porch screen (so that would be yes.)

Keto for dinner bc Trina acted big back all week🥴

5 age-appropriate things women over 40 should wear:
1. Whatever
2. The
3. Fuck
4. She
5. Wants.

Every day I’m thankful that my wife has terrible taste in men.

Hello, I’m 47 and I used “your” instead of “you’re” in a tweet six months ago and I’m still thinking about it.

My 6yo just told me I don't 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 coffee, I 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 coffee, so that's it, he's out of the will

I don't understand why so many conservatives are defending that lady who shot her dog.

If a democratic candidate had done it, I would condemn it.

How is she leading a discussion in dismantling what she helped create

Do yall ever feel like people have misconceptions of you?

For me…All. The. Time. So I’ve developed a natural habit of over explaining and needlessly apologizing for doing…nothing

Yall??

I wish I was a chainsaw.
#SeviervilleSpeaksOut

Two feet and two legs wrapped without injury, but all I can taste is DMSO.
If you know, you know.

James Dean had this beautiful quote, '𝘋𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳, 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘭𝘭 𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺' and I liked it a lot until I remembered he was a 24 year old movie star when he died and was probably dumb as hell

John Wick as a child 😂

For most of my life we didn't even have fortune cookies, they were for rich people. I think I've eaten 5 in my life. Got lots of Dad jokes out of Christmas Crackers though.