Made my wife a 7 course taster menu. Her next husband is really going to have to up his game.

It would honestly make me really sad if someone was that good at rhyming about how bad I am at life

Hate that Amazon shows foreign reviews. I don't want to think about French Steven doing Regular Steven things. French Steven should not be burdened by consumerism. Let French Steven smoke his cigarettes and do his ennui.

Philip K Dick movies all have names like CORTICAL IMPASSE and are based on short stories called like 'Let's See What's Going On Down at the Brain Factory'

Love it when the waiter insists on addressing your dish by its full name when reading your order back. You'll have the fish? No, you'll have the Pavé of Line-caught Cornish Stone Bass Poached in Citrus Butter and you'll address it using the formal usted you Godless slob.

Truly believe that the strongest relationships are bonded in adversity, which is why my wife and I have decided to kill a man.

Went to the coast for a few days. Spent the whole time facing the cliffs. I refuse to look at the ocean. That's poets' business. I'll not be concerning myself with splendour.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names

'you shouldn't let your cat jump on the counter' my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

I'm unemployed at heart, and no job will ever change that.

Ridiculous how difficult it is to deliberately get a fire going vs how easy it is to accidentally start one. Makes no sense. I can't keep myself warm but I am apparently only ever one moment of carelessness away from oops! arsoning a textile mill.

Do you remember your parents’ pet name for you? Mine was Anne Hatfield.

Dressed Crab is such a nice term. Makes you think of little shellfish all decked out in their finery, doesn't it? Wrongo buddy. Enjoy your crab flesh shoved back inside its own carcass you sick Ed Gein fuck.

me: how about this one? neutral players. they can score for either team and you have to win them over.

lebron james: (early stages of stockholm syndrome) that's good, that's a good one. i actually suggested that one time

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Do the cops storming colleges not realize that this will only lead to more folk music?

i wore a band’s shirt to their concert and they called me up on stage to beat me with their instruments

god it must suck to be french. coming home from eating snails all day and finding out your wife is smoking cigarettes with another man

In a way the real artist is me, the person consuming and appreciating the art in the correctest possible manner.

Sorry to get too spooky but I made a ghost