Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profileg
Steven (with a ph)

@SJKSalisbury

farce majeure

ID:396621076

calendar_today23-10-2011 14:53:44

12,3K Tweets

7,0K Followers

993 Following

Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Sometimes you'll see a hat being worn in such a way that the only reasonable explanation for it is that it's concealing a Ratatouille.

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Benny Feldman(@Feldfrog) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Rudolph is a rare example of bioluminescense in mammals. Another is when we made our weakest cousin swallow a keychain flashlight. Weakest cousin is determined annually by a series of bouts

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Really doesn't seem prudent to just go around pulling swords out of stones. Whoever stabbed that rock probably had a good reason to. Best never to find out why.

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GlennyRodge(@GlennyRodge) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Just sat on my hand and now when I make circles on the palm with my finger it feels like my teddy bear is in someone else's garden.

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Dr Seuss: The Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!!!

Pathologist: ...ok, but on the death certificate we should probably write sudden hypertrophic cardiomyopathy.

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Pretty weird that almost every Christmas carol has a forgotten third verse that solemnly details a bloody massacre.

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⏧(@syntacrobat) 's Twitter Profile Photo

you should be able to open twitter when you're already on twitter. and it should take you to a second, deeper twitter

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wargen(@funeralpig) 's Twitter Profile Photo

my date at the museum ended early cause the art made me feel too much stuff and i started running around and screaming

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Sometimes you'll be in the midst of a moment and you'll have the unshakeable realisation that this is the clip they'll use during your Best Supporting Actor nomination.

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Few things are more thrilling than going to a new supermarket. I am a tourist. Everything is new. All things are possible. This is it, this is where I will finally find the one item that fills the hole at the centre of my being.

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

My Year 10 geography teacher once said I was 'destined to achieve great things in mediocrity.' Today I made this cheesecake for the Office Christmas Bake-Off and won it. So fuck you, Mr Billington.

My Year 10 geography teacher once said I was 'destined to achieve great things in mediocrity.' Today I made this cheesecake for the Office Christmas Bake-Off and won it. So fuck you, Mr Billington.
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jackson(@placed_onto) 's Twitter Profile Photo

getting annoyed at a rock for not being a perfect skipping stone and then calming down when i realize it’s only a matter of time and it’s getting smoother by the minute

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

To whichever one of you was on here just casually recommending Klaus the other day, I hope you're proud of yourself. You made me cry in front of my wife. I had to pretend our dog had died.

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Steven (with a ph)(@SJKSalisbury) 's Twitter Profile Photo

It's nonsense that you're not allowed to take the toaster in the bath. Bathtoast is probably the best toast of all. But they'll never let us know. They'll never let us live deliciously.

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Emma(@plowrong) 's Twitter Profile Photo

You’re playing devils advocate? Cool. I’m playing with my Sylvanian families. This hedgehog owns a windmill.

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