Four of my toes watching the baby toe take a coffee table to the face

If you've ever been told that you don't listen, this one might hit home.

medium.com/to-the-summit/…

A clown car, but it's reaching for a single tissue and 87 other tissues follow it in one giant clump.

My wife, a dental hygienist, watching a violent serial killer floss his teeth on a Netflix show: Good boy.

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

These were simpler times, amirite?

lawyer: it’s pro bono

me: but i don’t even like u2

My wife’s most powerful flex is when she takes an afternoon nap on her day off, while I’m in the same room working.

Took my family ice skating and, naturally, my 7yo insisted on dressing as a banana. Mama is so proud 🥹

I start teaching our youngest how to drive this weekend, so I guess this is goodbye.

Sexting when you’ve been together for over a decade:

My 6yo just told me he wants to wear socks with sandals to school tomorrow so I'm going to have to shut that down

Person on the internet: does anything
People in the comments: 😡🤬😤

The most considerate of all saws is the reciprocating saw

Wife: Why are you still learning French if we are already back from vacation?

Me: Je ne sais pas.

Wife: OMG STOP

Coke from a can tastes different than coke from a bag

Bad enough the cat climbs into the litter box while I'm scooping it but does he have to stare me down while he does

I shaved my beard now the microbrewery won’t let me order IPAs.