I miss watching late night infomercials because who doesn’t need a knife, sharp enough to cut through a shoe at 3am?

my toxic trait is being productive for 10 minutes and then giving myself a 3 hour break

Cult recruiter: …also, there will be peanut butter m&ms— Me: Sonofabitch, I’m in!

Don't put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

They say as you grow older, you become more comfortable in your own skin. That's probably because your skin starts losing elasticity and sagging, making more room to get comfortable.

I’m really proud of the hawk tuah girl, getting this much mileage out of being funny one time is normally a male dominated field

Holy shit

Football season has started. Also known as “Four months of my wife telling me, THE PEOPLE ON TV CAN'T HEAR YOU.”

You wouldn't survive an 80s playground.

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

My wife didn’t have to wake up this morning, as I’ve been reminded after sneezing.

Maybe coastal erosion wouldn't be so bad if my wife would stop bringing home shells and smooth rocks every time we go to the beach.

The biggest lie that the Devil ever convinced us of was that the "Don't show me this again" checkbox actually worked.

Okay I'm starting to believe this rumor that the Taylor Swift/Travis Kelce romance is just a PR stunt because there is no way in Hell my wife would let me leave the house with this haircut

It's a Friday in September and my work ethic has just been replaced by a Spirit Halloween.

I love how Chris Pine looks like a suburban mom who is mad she had to leave pilates because her kid got in trouble at school

Lindy is trying out for the part of Gene Simmons in a KISS cover band.

Grok AI is making me think the rise of the machines is still a few years away.