I only counted 98 balloons, but whatever.

Little league coaches really enjoy it when parents chime in with tips from the sidelines

I ❤️ all my children equally. Except for the one that removes their underwear out of their pants BEFORE putting them in the laundry…

I love that one more.

My 8 year old asked if I’d seen his water bottle and I said it was next to the couch. He started to walk off then paused and asked, “the couch for sitting or the couch for laundry?” and the accuracy of the question stung a little.

What’s something that was only at your friends’ houses when you were growing up, but never at yours?

I’ll go first: Capri Sun.

I’m supposed to know which LENGTH of shoelaces to choose on Amazon now? Honestly how much more stress do we need?

Sorry I’m late, my child wanted it to be Friday, not Wednesday, and I can’t bend space and time

My workout goals are simple: I'd just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

I just we have coffee at home'd myself, do not recommend

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I’d like to return my 40s, it disagrees with my digestion, and is incompatible with my lower back

It's 7:36 am and my wife's on the phone with someone and already asking for a Manager. So I'm gonna go ahead and look busy now

me: what drink ya got there?

11: a smoothie I made

me: oh. What's in it??

11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.

me: and you won't eat a tomato.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

Already mentally preparing to take my kid to two birthday parties on the same day this weekend

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

Anyone else always wonder why Theo Huxtable had two beds in his room?

When you have a kid on the autism spectrum, they greet you with things like “Hi mommy, I don’t like your shirt.”

Taylor Swift writes a 31 song album and I’m struggling to reply to an email at work for something I’m a subject matter expert on.

Please know that if someone buys your kid glitter, slime, or a drum set they do not like you.