It took me seven attempts to get through to the Doctors about my enlarged scrotum.

Oh dear, you have many testy calls?

No just the two!

#Lunchpun

Was told I had to book online to take some junk to my local tip.
I didn't bother because it's a rubbish site.

#LunchPun

I knew the judge would give me 28 days for poaching two brace of his pheasants.
It was a four gone conclusion.

My mate went for the snip and they charged him a thousand pounds for each testicle, which I thought was a bit hyperbolic.

Last night's live session in the pub was bile
Don't you mean vile?
No it was a gastric band

Falk said 'Hello', Fonda replied 'Hi', Sellers made a silly joke, Cushing laughed and Cook said 'F**k off!' .. then the conversation just sort of petered out.

#LunchPun

A tanker Lost it's load of ibuprofen gel in roadworks on the ice bound M62 today.
Police say the frozen hard shoulder should be moving soon.

#lunchpun

Notorious burglar 'Curly Collins' has decided to go straight.

#LunchPun

Apparently the Proclaimers would go to any lengths for a hit song.

#LunchPun

At a cheesy gift shop in Dublin I was short-changed by this cashier dressed as a Leprechaun.

#LunchPun

This lump of plasma kept breaking down in tears, it was no laughing matter.

#PunInTenDid

Just won the aligning trophy, we calibrated all night long.

#PunInTenDid

Been off work with diarroeah six days on the trot

#PunInTenDid

This menopausal cashier was sacked for going through the change.

#PunInTenDid

Workmates smeared glue all over my keyboard.

Words fail me.

#lunchpun

I could tell that my smiling hippy son had finally got a Love and Peace tattoo.

It was written all over his face.

#lunchpun

- A couple of big cats broke free and savaged one of the World's greatest footballers when he visited the zoo.

- Wow! .. Lion hell, messy!

- No Christiano Ronaldo.

#LunchPun

I one had a mistress who went on and on for years about my constant farting.

It was such a long-winded affair.

#lunchpun

- Got a bit emotional when I chucked out my 40 year old radio yesterday.

- Did you have a longwave?

- No, just said goodbye as I threw it in the skip.

#lunchpun

After releasing the two thin suspects, Police say they are now widening their search.