After age 30 do we keep all clothes in case they fit again forever? Asking for a friend.

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

I'm at that point in my life where I understand the appeal of reborn babies (those hyper realistic dolls), and that very much concerns me.

In case you wondered if having a 'rival dad next door' is a real thing - I mowed yesterday and half way thru, rival dad next door started mowing. That bastard literally mowed 2 days ago. So yes. It's real.

Bless you ☺️: out

Sneezus Christ! : in

Teardrop tattoos but for bags of Doritos I’ve killed

my husband secretly hates that i’m the funny one

Drank a boatload of caffeine on an empty stomach, so naturally I'm somewhere between a raging bull and a chihuahua.

That text could've been an emoji.

Me to husband:
“One day you’ll look back and think, “I wish I would have volunteered for field day when our daughter was still in elementary school.”

My husband volunteered.

Husband: “THAT BITCH NEVER SHOWED UP AT MY CRAB WALK STATION.”

In case you were questioning my mental health I just bought my son a slide whistle.

I started to say to my kids, 'Hey guys, I want—' and my 9yo interrupted me with 'US TO SUMMON A 𝘿𝙀𝙈𝙊𝙉?????'

Why was she so ready with that?😳

My 10 y/o son has a lot of friends who show up on our doorstep but by far my most fave lil dude has got to be the one who always appears holdin a fistful of ham

When your college kid doesn’t get the classes they need during registration it can be a major problem. A minor one too.

Not many people like to think about this but before the Piano Man was the Piano Man he was the Recorder Boy.

My 6yo just told me I don't 𝑛𝑒𝑒𝑑 coffee, I 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 coffee, so that's it, he's out of the will

Eventually, the trash takes itself out.

Except this morning. I had to roll it to the curb this morning.

Receive thank you email, fight urge to send back thank you email for the thank you email

Dictionary people.. My 10yr old accidentally called an exclamation mark a dalmation when reading last night and I think this adaption should be considered.

It's my birthday, and so far 40 has gifted me 2 zits on my chin. So, thanks, universe, it's nice to know the acne I had as a teenager wasn't enough.