If you sleep wrong and your neck hurts all day, everyone has to know about it.

Forgot my glasses so I'm pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

It's been 'just another Manic Monday' for the past 287 years

I'm gonna need y'all to stop making up new slang words I am exhausted

Emails be like unsubscribe here and then they send you an email to tell you you’ve unsubscribed.

Thinking about how my family passed down alcoholism instead of generational wealth

Surely this airport salad will make up for all previous gluttony

Depression in midlife is like 'what if I took a nap on the floor'

I would die for you because I love you and I also want to die

no one:

my 6yo at bedtime: what would happen if all your bones disappeared

I dont get many likes because my followers are busy doing cool shit like fucking and microwaving fireworks

I had to stop drinking because I found out these twins I drank with were the same person

Managing expectations

Just stick the q-tip in your ear. God has abandoned us.

THIS WAS AN ACT OF GOD I CAN'T POSSIBLY DO MY TAXES

going into the city to see a marching band with my dad today, I really hope we have a nice time and he doesn’t ask me any super intense questions about when I grow up

me: did you see the video I sent you

my husband:

me:

my husband: I saw that you sent it

it used to be a window and one day it hopes to be a house

sharks I am asking for $7544 so I can get Five Guys for lunch

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour