I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?

Son: No.

Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.

Him, 8, touching my calloused big toe:
“What is this, concrete?”

'Meet me out back by the dumpster for the drugs'

-CVS pharmacy drive-thru

Do plants ever learn to take care of themselves, or are they like kids?

Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now

Got a dm to join the illuminati but I'm pretty sure it's just to make rice krispy treats for their meetings.

[getting arrested for impersonating a priest] I KNOW MY RITES

It's okay, facial recognition. I don't recognize myself anymore either.

Marriage is all about being creative in your revenge.

Like later I'm going to add my husband to a group text.

I was backing out of my driveway when all of a sudden I see my son running toward me with a sense of urgency. I roll down my window, sure he’s going to tell me something important.

He yells at me, “ARE WE OUT OF PEPPER JACK CHEESE?” so I guess that’s an emergency now.

Nothing says due diligence like checking your kid for a fever with all 26 thermometers you own.

My 6yo was staring at me. I asked what she wanted. She hugged me and said, 'you.' Aaaaaaaaand just like that, I am a mess.

My teenage son is mad that he doesn’t have any facial hair yet and said it’s my fault as if I was just “hairier” he’d have a full beard by now.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

“I’ll just wing it,” is the dumbest thing I say regularly.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: So tell me again what happened?

Me: He came home after I spent the day sick, taking care of our 3 sick kids and said ‘wow, it’s a mess in here.’

I always thought I'd be a patient mom.

And then I had to listen to my son tell a story.

Kids these days don't realize that if they're getting bullied they can enlist the help of an elderly neighbor to train them to take a miraculous one-legged victory at the local karate tournament.

What the heck is engagement farming and are there cows I can pet