I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It's like seeing my favourite band live.

My mum used to say that when one door closes another one opens. Our house wasn't very well designed.

I'm not wearing sunglasses and I can spot about 50.

Weird name for a seed.

My friend made the mistake of hiring a clown for her six year old son's birthday party. He was completely traumatised and hasn't worked as a clown since.

Why can't he just tell us now?

I wish there were other property trading board games besides Monopoly. It shouldn't be allowed to dominate the market like that.

It's called the ignition. I would've expected DVLA to know that.

It's strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That's just watching paint that's already dry.

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I'm 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren't my strong point.

Other comedians: 'I'm writing for a couple of panel shows and working on my sitcom pilot.'

Me: 'Someone replied to one of my tweets with a GIF of Morgan Freeman clapping.'

My mum always said that if she wanted something done right she would do it herself. That advice has stuck with me to this day. If I want something done right, I still ask my mum to do it.

Rear Window is such a great film. My neighbour across the street watches it all the time.

I read this over dinner and it ruined my whole morning.

My mum kept telling me my bathroom needed cleaning so I decided to hire a professional. This professional mum is much less critical.

Just typical. Two weeks after I buy a year's supply of both.

I would've loved to have been a detective during the era when people's watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it's all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.

I found my plumber on Google. I told him to stop using my computer and get back to work.

I'm happy to watch any film with Timothée Chalamet. I know he's busy, but the offer is always there.

I hate it when under 18's disguise themselves as stationery.