a dangly cross earring on a man is a red flag

People with two first names strike me as indecisive.

Tell her she looks, “Fine.”

Women love that.

Ladies, if your boyfriend/husband asks you 'how was work,' just say it was fine

Sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse you of being in a good mood.

What you know about my life and my troubled past

People were more polite when we had three networks and Magnavox consoles.

I'm just a girl standing in a giant t-shirt, in front of a boy, asking him to still think she's a hottie.

You unhook my bra and slide it off my breasts revealing (surprise!) chicken nuggets.

I know you’re a whore but I was talking about the other whore.

Good morning.. to everyone except people who think and are still stupid

Fuck those people

if kanye goes missing it was probably gotye.

The R in linkin park should be backwards like Toys 'Я' Us.

I’m offended by people who get offended for other people.

I never let people see the jar of bacon grease on my counter because it's too sexy for most people to even handle.

*goes to therapy, but just for tweet material*

And just like that, I decided I don't want to.

I’m not needy, I just get bored easily.

Share your favorite GIF in my comments so I know its real

Your Motivational Tweets are deeper than an inner city pothole… and twice as useful.