The only thing worse than oj with pulp is oj with knife

I didnt ask for this

it's wrong to make 9/11 jokes. plane and simple

Paul Walker: *dies driving*

Adam Driver: *on sidewalk* oh no

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in...a song
spelling bee judge: you mother fucker

flight attendant: all we've got to watch is air bud

me: I know how windows work pal

What if I made a very long car that stopped at designated areas throughout the day

Adidas’s founders were nazis which is why I wear Nike. No nazi ties and they also provide children with jobs

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire

since we can't use those beer rings anymore i've been choking turtles with my bare hands

Please be careful this Halloween. I found the beach that makes you old inside a chocolate bar

japan’s greatest tragedy is having the world’s best toilets and no mexican food

what’s the point of owning a ferrari if you never take it to the track

if you haven't read the book about the guy with a fetish for clocks, well, it's about fucking time

restaurant managers love to walk around like an undercover cop. just some guy named dan in khakis and a polo like “i hope youre enjoying your meal”. dude i was until u materialized at our table like dracula. im stressed as hell now. am i in trouble. i wanna speak to my lawyer

a girl's family caught me doing coke off her ass once, most embarrassing moment of my life. they were just about to start her eulogy

I think i might be a shopaholic except for alcohol instead of shopping