What's a great 'sit on the roof and stare at the stars' song?

I’ve been on the struggle bus all week. Today was particularly rough. And the Oilers just lost.
Tomorrow’s gonna be better.
Why?
Because I’m not gonna wear fucking pants.

What's an album that is so perfect, you don’t skip one track?

I only have little answers. I know 3 names for roly-polys. I know where a four leaf clover strand grows. I know where the toads hide and where to find what looks like wild strawberries, but isn’t. And I know if you sit there long enough, the things that are broken start to heal.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

it’s a crime that Norm Macdonald didn’t live long enough to report OJ’s death

[Norm voice] also a crime? OJ’s murders.

This pigeon jamming along to blurred lines

With the death of OJ, let's talk about how savage Norm McDonald was and risked his career at SNL when he would not let up on his OJ jokes.

Nothing prepares you for becoming the mom at school drop off who yells 'don't blow away!' at little kids on a windy day

I just want cloths to be the color black. Not dark harbor, not carbon, not black heather. Black. Black, black, black.

Heidi We were the ones that stayed up to watch for predators at night. Now they make fun of us. 😒

If you're a night owl, like 30% of people, then you have a disability in the modern world.

'When a night owl is forced to wake up too early their prefrontal cortex remains in a disabled off-line state, like a cold engine after an early morning start. An adult’s owlness or…

Oh Friday, I have a fake laugh with your name written all over it.

The trouble with children is that they’re so awake in the mornings.

Golden Bachelor couple Gerry and Theresa are divorcing after 3 months of marriage which, to be fair, was *almost* the rest of their life.

Frantically searching for the “please leave me alone” cup

Hello world, 15 minutes old

73% of parenting is telling your kids to ask their mother.

How many chapsticks can you eat in a week

I hate when people have a huge smile while talking.
That looks creepy. Stop it.