Gigging at the Merthyr Labour Club on Friday.
Gonna do my new Lemon joke, if I can squeeze it in.

San Andreas 'til I die!!!!
I've always been loyal to a fault.

How was I supposed to know that people in Lancashire hated what my Drilling company were doing.
What am I, some kind of fracking mind reader.

Does anyone know what “idk” stands for?
I keep asking people but no one seems to know.

In 6 days time I will be 'One Week Sober'.

The results for the Owl Football League have just come through.
2-8
2-0
2-8
2-0

For anyone who hasn't seen my Passport photo.
It looks nothing like me.

The first rule of Alfs Palindrome Club is sibul Cemord nila Psfl Afoelurts rif eht.

I started up an evening support group for pessimists.
It was tough going, at first the Class was half empty but by the time I finished the Class was half full.

Just had to cancel my equine midwifery class, I'm having a mare.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I know that now, of course.

Had a pretty eventful evening, I won 2nd prize in a beauty contest, bought myself a house on Old Kent Road and ended up losing a game of monopoly to my brother.

I can't believe it.
The day after winning the Nigerian lottery someone's gone and hacked in to my bank account.

When I was a politician, my main policy was to cut expenditure on Cliff reinforcements.
I won by a Landslide.

Should have paid the extra and got the delivery people to carry my new orthopaedic mattress upstairs for me.
I've properly hurt my back doing it on my own.

Cut my hand trying to open the Heinz Salad Cream but thankfully the wound didn't need dressing.

How many Sea Gulls does it take to screw in a Lightbulb.
Just a couple of terns.

I hear Edwina Currie is opening a Takeaway with Declan Rice.
They're going to call it 'Edwina and Declan's spicy food'.

I got fired from Alton Towers on Tuesday and started a new job at Thorpe Park on Thursday, it's been a Rollercoaster few days.

Last year for my birthday all my friends clubbed together and went to the Disco without me.