I'm not saying my grandad was unhelpful, but when he died, he left us a won't.

Daniel Edison SOILED!!!

If I had to describe minimalism in one word, that would be appropriate.

A friend of mine bought some laxatives at an auction.

So he took them, and before he knew it, he was going once, going twice...

'My wife had a nervous breakdown after Steven Spielberg threw food colouring at her.'

'The director?'

'It certainly did.'

I invested in an auto-punctuation app, and I can't recommend it. Enough!

For April Fools' Day, I've convinced my nephew I’m part-snail.

I’m very sly, me.

[In a pharmacy]

ME: 'Hi, I hear you sell sherbet-flavoured suppositories.'

ASSISTANT: *Points to manager*
'Ask Andy.'

ME: 'Yes, that's them.'

I said to a friend of mine...

The ingredients in a Pornstar Martini: mangos in cider.

My son's always getting in trouble. This week he's in detention for giving drugs to the school principal.

It's my fault. I told him to get his head into gear.

Daniel Edison Some doctor. His sleepy, grumpy, and sneezy patients outnumber his happy patients by a 3-to-1 ratio. Whatever service and treatment he's giving then ain't working.

A friend of mine is a doctor for the Seven Dwarves.

I'm surprised he even finished medical school... He's got very little patience.

Paul McCartney has been asked to improve the Syrian president's skimpy underwear.

Take Assad's thong and make it better.

My dad's sister never lets me have hay fever tablets.

Sometimes I think my auntie is too mean.