The punishment for selling plain ice-cream in the Middle East is lashings of nuts.

So what if I’m always beating around the bush before being rudely interrupted by quiz shows? I’m not really a man who *cuts to the Chase.

My favourite song about threesomes is ‘You’ve Got a Friend in Me’.

The First Church of the Last Laugh is dedicated to Saint Stupid and every April 1 since 1979 organises a parade through the streets of San Francisco chanting ‘No more chanting!’ and stopping at the Stock Exchange for a sock exchange.

NATURE FACT - The only animal that can't climax is the plateaupus.

Today, I played tricks on my friends in alphabetical order. April first.

Lassie was never televised at Easter because it's a ban collie day.

So I received another trophy at the weekend, this time a see-through one! This was for winning the You Must Be Joke King competition held at The Bijou Cinema in Southport, as voted for by the audience. So I've been invited back to perform my solo show there in September😀

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

Waiter: *offering crudités* Savoury snack?
Me: Very snack.
Waiter: No, no... Raw vegetables!
Me: *roars* VEGETABLES!

The lead singer from Boyzone was born in 1977, or MCMLXXVII in Ronan Numerals.

🎶 If I had to do the same again, I would my friend, Barnado's 🎶
#ASongOrMovieForCharity

This is the tsetse's testes 🪰

I was ashamed to be expelled from of mime school for the worst possible offence, and that’s saying something.

Celebrities are backing a petition to cancel TV shows containing mythical beasts. Even Jonathan Ross has jumped on the ban dwagon.

Cool for cats 🎶

Not much is known about the Venus de Milo, except that she couldn’t hold her drink.

I think my vegan friends are upset with me. I’ve been walking on egg shells around them.

When she was little, my Nan used to collect shells on the beach, which was a lot more dangerous in the 1940s.

To cheer myself up, I’ve been delivering gifts to the aardvark at the local zoo. Well, the Dr suggested taking anteater presents.