Today marks the one year anniversary of jwhzhushhjAnqhzjke and it feels so good

Me: Potatoes are the only thing keeping me going these days My mom: get out of my house

Somedays I cant keep my thoughts out of the gutter and other days I can

Why oh why is it so damn hard to just be kind to one another? Oh I know, because people suck lol

Lol my husband just send me a message with a picture of a baby platypus lololol I really got him now hahaha TIME TO PAY

Me: You guys I’m really “tweeting up a storm” haha Nobody: yeah! I really like your tweets!

Me: let me know when it’s time to leave, I’m ready when you are! My mom: WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS HERE

*talking into my cat’s tail* Me: And we’re live at the scene! The only witness to this CATtastrophe is this FELINEady- Ma’am please describe what you witnessed?!! My mom: stop Me: but it’s a microphone! My mom: please get that out of my face

Now is the time to go bye bye Lil’ Sneezy

Let’s just imagine for a minute that you WERENT a criminally insane fugitive and I WASNT your mom, ok? Just for a minute?

Something that is true is that if you are a cat you are also a man

A fly, but smaller, not a gnat just a very small fly

My blood analysis: 45% corn 30% natural leaf 32% juice pack (grape) 80% cat dander 2% raw blood

news anchors “joking” with each other is the most awkward and viscerally upsetting interaction to witness each second that passes is worse than the next and these interactions HAPPEN MORNING NOON AND NIGHT ACROSS THE NATION IN EVERY TOWN AND STATE AND THERE IS NO END IN SIGHT

Other Ppl: wake up, drink coffee, watch the news perhaps, exercise perhaps, eat breakfast perhaps, shower perhaps, drink a glass of water perhaps Me: wake up, drink coffee, liquify my body and seep into my sheets and then put makeup on

4 signs you might be a quail

Piecing together the life of the woman who creates the The New York Times strands puzzle…. Christine I see you went to your daughter’s dance recital recently how cute but could you not make it so obvious that you’re just picking your themes based on whatever boring thing you just did

I really hope my mom isn’t in the Epstein files that would be so weird

Hey Tracy Bennet The New York Times strands puzzle maker- I see that you went to a reunion lately hope it was fun

There has never been a scampier scamp in all the land