You ever notice that people who date ur exes think you hate them lmao like relax idc it’s your time to suffer

isn’t clitoris that big ass red dog

I did not drive all the way to The Cheesecake Factory to share a dessert, Helen.

cut my pants into pieces these are my hand made jorts

White dudes will be like "there he is, the man, the myth, the legend!" And it's just Garrett

Many do not appreciate the subtle flavors of cottage cheese.

being single is the perfect time to be fabulous & get rich

People who are self aware af, are my people.

I don’t know for a fact that mozzarella sticks cure depression, I just know it’s true.

What if garage doors were faster. Like really fast

A 5.7 earthquake just hit us. In elementary school, we were taught to get under a table during a earthquake. My dumbass was like...

what's the worst fruit? i nominate grapefruit

Wash my bathtub? lol yeah right after I mow my lawnmower

you can send Valentine’s Day cards to the kids at St Jude’s, it’s free and only takes 2 mins. make a patient remember that they’re loved, link is in my bio<3