I better not see ads when HBO Max is charging me them 30count nugget prices.

Why are they dropping a new Game of Thrones show and a new LOTR show in the same week? Don’t they know we have jobs? HBO Max Prime Video

They even told Captain Maverick he had to submit lesson plans.

I don’t understand how probiotics are good for you AND antibiotics are good for you.

Does Harry know he spit on Genovian royalty?!?!!???

in my brain it is now the holidays. do not schedule meetings with me. do not follow up with me. we can talk in january

I would love some fentanyl candy.

I’m a firm believer that only one person in the relationship can be annoying on the internet. The other has to be a mysterious minimal poster

goals

I think this Tweet was written for me.

The sheer power of women is unquestionable when we consider just how much strategy is required to ensure we don’t poop at the significant other’s house during the first 6 months of a relationship. We are warriors.

Me having a calm moment before I ultimately choose violence:

yurp…

she has always been a baddie

when i was little i thought jaywalking was named after Jay Leno. Oh and that Martha’s Vineyard was named after Martha Stewart. I’m still not sure.

Sorry about your student loan debt, we really only fund genocides.

It’s Friday the 13th (in October) which means you have to give all black cats an extra treat and a little smooch on their head

this meeting could’ve been a fistfight

"So, if I'm gonna jump off the cliff, and you're gonna get pushed off the cliff, why don't we hold hands on the way down?"