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Just heard earth might get swallowed up into a black hole. I just hope I have enough time to throw a few things together first.

it took bruce willis 130 minutes to realize he was a ghost and you expect men to notice a haircut.

What’s your favorite thing about grocery shopping? Mine is not going.

A cooking competition but they judge you on your playlist and ability to navigate the kitchen after 3 glasses of wine

People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.

At least one of those escaped monkeys made it to Miami.

“Nice melon you got there.” “Mind your fucking business.”

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

What do people who fall asleep right away do with their brains?

I like that, and I can not lie.

Checking off every box on the Pepto Bismol song at once is not the victory you’d think it is.

Taking some time off from this place and heading for bluer skies. Tough call, because I’ve made a lot of friends here. Thanks to all of you -especially the #Dateline audience.

Someone asked me about my five-year plan this morning. I’m old. I’m just hoping to outlive my appliances at this point.

I'm not sure who has betrayed me more: nonstick pans or easy peel cheese sticks

you don’t truly know a person until you’ve heard the voice they use with their pet

flamingo flaminstay

You know that point when you can either keep talking and make matters worse or just shut up? Me neither.