Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile
Tyler

@tytellstales

Author, Actor, Opera Singer and Bread Enthusiast

ID: 1679484499078561800

calendar_today13-07-2023 13:35:22

26 Tweet

56 Followers

296 Following

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Whenever someone says “I got food poisoning,” I know that means they just ate some bad food, but I always imagine some medieval king whose enemies are trying to take him out without starting an all out war. “Methinks that twisted Horace meaneth to snuff me out!”

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

That little hoppy, jog walk thing we do when someone in their car is waiting for to cross the street is the same thing we do when someone is holding the door open for us and we’re still really far away.

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I know running is supposed to be good for you and all, but I’ve never seen one person look happy while running, except for in slow motion scenes in a movie right before something happens to them.

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Serving sizes are ridiculous. They’re like “34 grams of chips is 150 calories,” oh yes, let me just get my weights and measures scale that I used to sell spices at the village market this weekend.

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Most people make the mistake of only asking 1-3 times if their kids have homework due tomorrow. The real trick is to ask 12-14 times, that’s when things really start to pay off.

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

What do you want to do tonight? Well I’ll tell you what I DIDN’T want to do…clean the melted coating of sour patch kids off of the inside of the dryer from the open bag someone washed and then dried.

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I’m hungry and my stomach just made that sound all the kids in the class make when someone gets called to the office…

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Just a reminder to all the other exemplary children who definitely did not forget Mother’s Day or procrastinate getting a mom a gift, #MothersDay it’s tomorrow.

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

The final episode of every TV series feels like that moment right before you leave the house for a long vacation where everything is complete anxiety filled chaos and nothing makes sense. “Did I even pack?!” “We have to leave immediately!” Bring that loaf of bread just in case!

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

Sure sleep is great, but have you ever tried sleeping for a short 20 minute bursts all night and waking up completely drenched in sweat from anxiety about things like when does the milk expire and did I miss the sale on linens at JCPenney?

Tyler (@tytellstales) 's Twitter Profile Photo

I love it when people come over to your house for the first time and say “give me the grand tour” OK here’s the place where I usually put the laundry, here’s some water damage and here’s a rug I literally bought yesterday. Here’s a toilet. I hope I flushed…