My four year old was reading a history of the Wagner Group when he turned to me gravely and asked, “Daddy, why did Russia and the Titan both implode this week?” And when I told him “to distract from the Hunter Biden guilty plea,” he started crying

Narwhal: hey nice tooth Hillbilly Cletus: thanks u too

now, uhh, let me be clear, you, uhh, you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack

Sometimes when I get home I wait outside the front door to make sure I'm connected to the WiFi so I can load up a 90s WWF theme and cast it through the Google speaker. I then enter my house an pretend I'm a wrestler walking into Wrestlemania.

Pharrell, Diddy and Dua rampaging Costco, taking all the samples

People who don't use contractions scare the shit out of me. "I will be there" okay with what a machete

we live in the ruins of a greater civilization

every friend group chat has the person in it that thinks the others don’t have the internet or watch the news. like six hours after the Statue of Liberty fell over due to old bolts they’re in the chat like “statue of Liberty fell down. bolts are fucked”

Big ol’ sucker perpetrator

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

[group therapy] ME: [stands] hi, im brittany & im deeply embarrassed by things which i shouldn’t be—like walking into the grocery store or simply having arms—& NOT by things i should be, e.g. being on twitter, ordering 2 entrées for myself on a date EVERYONE: hiiii, brittany

Been debating sharing this but here we go. Yesterday I invited 5 strangers to my house. (A THREAD)

I think of Jesus and that famous question--"Who is my neighbor?" I didn't know when I first saw them sitting there outside my local grocery store--but it's them. /END

Work hard in school, sweetie. Mommy and Daddy aren't rich enough for you to be dumb.

160 years ago today, the state of Georgia refused to seat 33 Black elected officials from the state legislature, sparking a series of events that led to one of Black Twitter's most celebrated memes. A thread.

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

I did a parachute jump 20 years ago. Therefore I've taken off in a plane more times than I've landed in one. Which has bugged me for two decades. It gnaws at me and I can never correct it. It's maddening.

Every girl has a special lil voice she uses to imitate stupid guys

Spring forward Fall back Try to detect it It’s not too late To whip it