me as a drug dealer *giggling* “we dont have coke is pepsi okay”

your honor in my clients defense shawty was like a melody in his head

british currency is so gay, like who exactly are you pounding, fella?

Someone said there's a difference between being happy and being distracted from sadness and I felt it.

Babe what's wrong, you've barely touched your potential

I thought the G spot was where the whole gang hang out

One Day 😂♥️

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

i cannot fuck it we ball for much longer

every day i get more delusional

hydroflask this, stanley cup that. i need an upside down water bottle i can screw to the side of my bed and drink from at 3 am like a gerbil

pickles are great til you’re in one

me thinking of my unborn child every time I see baby sneakers

just got my ancestry .com results!!

eating Chinese takeout is never as depressing as in the movies. it usually is good

every relationship needs one person who says “What else has he been in” while watching something and one person who excitedly reads their IMDB out loud

Australian crime shows are like oh naurrr there’s been a meerda