You know that sound the internet made when connecting in the 90's? That's exactly what my kids sound like when they tell me about Fortnite.

In business as in life - You don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate. - Chester Karrass

FBI: Justice For Jessica Boynton - Sign the Petition! chng.it/fFKdHMvj via Change.org Canada

Did you know I can tie a cherry stem with my asshole? I shit you knot.

Today's workout routine: Eye rolling

Breaking Bad is my favorite show about a guy who doesn't listen to his wife and ends up filthy rich.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is. Scaring men is easy.

"HOLY SHIT!!" *If dogs could talk on Thanksgiving*

I build myself up, My wife tears me down. Teamwork is important in a marriage.

Wife yells: Can you bring my boobs up? Me: Maybe a surgeon could... Wife:... Listen VERY carefully...can you bring my BOOTS up!

Cutest dog I have ever seen.

You ever wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think, "No...this can't be accurate"

Steven Tyler has child bearing lips.

My wife and I fight so much that we decided to wear our wedding rings on our middle fingers.

Horoscope: today, your stars will align. Into a giant middle finger. "Fuck you," whispers the universe.

Fighting like cats and dogs 😉

Wife: Aren't you going to watch when I give birth to the twins? Me: No sweetie, it's kinda like seeing my favorite restaurant burn down...

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?