when i have a really good take, that’s actually known as a give ❤️ you’re welcome

imagine getting ratatouille’d by a worm and being like “I’m going to run for president”

hate remembering that to my coworkers I’M the coworker… don’t they know im different

i know growing up is fake because i just saw that the meanest girl from my high school got married and my first thought was woof good luck to that guy

idc about my nervous system. these days i'm all about my angry system

this crush isn’t actually about you. it’s for my health

me at 23: ok if the party starts at 10 it should start to get fun around 12

me now: if we start the movie at 7 i can be in bed by 9

you should be able to google whether a couple is still together

so jealous of cats to be honest. imagine being a huge bitch literally all the time and the person who takes care of you is like awwwwwww

how could i have daddy issues. i hardly know the man

only one thing can solve the Kendrick Drake beef. they need to play an incredibly sexually charged game of tennis

he really has NO awareness of his surroundings does he

hey sorry i didn't respond i started cooking a recipe that said it would take 30 minutes and it actually took 40 years

that's that me asbestos

your honor, with all due respect, that’s that me espresso

can’t believe I’m working late and I’m not even a singerrrrr

one of my Dad’s employees asked for their birthday off and my dad said “why? Did your wife get you a clown?” my Dad had to go to a sensitivity class and apologize to him in front of everyone.

oh you walked 500 miles for me and then 500 more? that’s an ick