[dying] oh no, my ambitions!

When I was a kid, I used to wonder why my granddad would just sit in his favorite chair and not do anything but stare in space but now I totally get it

“Let’s circle back” “let’s touch base” “we need to move the needle” these all sound like children’s games

Went to the coast for a few days. Spent the whole time facing the cliffs. I refuse to look at the ocean. That's poets' business. I'll not be concerning myself with splendour.

If cops can't use steroids, how are they supposed to summon the unprovoked rage they pour into their jobs? Will their deep-seated insecurities and wretched family lives be enough?

🔫 NEW EPISODE 🔫
We’re doing a cult classic Tarantino rip-off this week, talking about Christopher McQuarrie’s directorial debut THE WAY OF THE GUN

Dwayne doing his part to keep our podcast alive 🫡

Dear inventor of the bottle top safety seal wrapper, with the little perforated strip you're supposed to tear through then peel away the sheath of plastic around the rest of the cap, fuck you and your entire family.

candles are soooo relatable because I, too, am pretty but not very bright

spines are weird. like theres a secret snake living in my back. i don’t like it.

“Where seldom is heard a discouraging word” so, the opposite of Twitter, then

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Dear inventor of the bottle top safety seal wrapper, with the little perforated strip you're supposed to tear through then peel away the sheath of plastic around the rest of the cap, fuck you and your entire family.

Sorry I was speeding officer. It’s just that I dont respect you or laws

in my younger days I was a big baseball fan but I can't stay up that late anymore

Me: what about the time I saw 400 sets of footprints in the snow

Jesus: pretty sure those were marching penguins

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

Seinfeld: *stuck watching the roku city screensaver because the battery died in the remote* Where's all the edgy comedy? TV's gone woke!

ME: *takes communion wafer* thank you father

PRIEST: did you just put a little pepperoni on that

If you see a bear on your walk and you were scared but didn't die, congratulations: you got a glimpse of what being a woman can be like.