Bless this mess - me, looking at my life.

Keep your expectations low with stupidity and you’ll never be surprised.

Calm tf down, the only thing that's dead is your sex life and brain cells.

I only dance with the Devil when he puts the effort in.

I’m not here to please people I don’t like. If you don’t like me it’s already mutual.

My therapist thinks it's pretty cool how our mental disorders compliment each other.

A lot of Catholics would start going back to church if the body of Christ tasted like bacon.

I’m still waiting for you to reply.

People who talk too much need to shut up and take a nap.

I'm an idiot savant in knowing how many slices of pizza are in a large at 14 restaurants surrounding my home.

I don't have a bad memory, I just choose to forget a lot of people.

Happy Labor Day to all the pregnant women out there! Hope y’all have a safe delivery today!

I stained my deck so now I have to go look at it every hour

Victim is not a Life Hack.

everything’s so fake

The cruellest thing depression does is convince us we need to go through it alone.

It costs $0.00 to cut someone out of your life . . . and I love free shit.

My math skills include trying to figure out how much of a problem I'm going to be.

If I was near a lake I’d put a bikini on and dive in the cool water

staring up at beauty, a heavenly body