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Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF! Also me: *lives alone*

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I've been charged with grievous bobbly arm.

I bought a paper scanner from Cinderella. It's not great, but I find the way it prints charming.

When the goalkeeping coach tells you to spread yourself for the penalties #MUFC

The one good thing about losing a leg is that you'll never run out of socks

I hate it when you go to a restaurant once and then they bombard you with emails for months afterwards. "Where are our forks?" "Please return our forks." "We've got you on camera stealing our forks." It's so excessive.

The tariff on alcohol is aging like wine fine.

Me: *jumps excitedly in anticipation of the rapture* My back: *experiences rupture*

I talk to HR whenever other employees are too cheery

2025 minivan: I have navigation and TVs to keep kiddies entertained 1990 minivan: I have ashtrays for the entire family

Instead of Halloween decorations, I just wheel an old TV out and pop in VHS tapes of my childhood

New tour dates have just landed. I’ll add them and a link in the comments plus there should be a link in my bio. Some of my big regular towns are still missing but they’ll be added. We’ll get to Leeds, Brum, Glasgow, Ireland etc etc. don’t worry.

soupsational, soupillating, soupendous

I barely get a mention in my wife's new autobiography, which says a lot more about her than it does about me.

*Auditioning for the role of Frankenstein's monster* Did I get the parts?

If Baz Luhrmann did North London derbies....🎥⚽️🚨

Never met a faux I couldn't pas

Chicken Soup for the Soul but it's Campbell's

Kinda bored. Gonna rub my eyes till I see cool shapes and colors.