No one cums here

Tbh, bro, my fancy has never been less tickled.

If you use the phrase “it is what it is” please know that I hate you.

I’m the weirdo that enjoy pics of your vacation…

Remember gargling fluoride as kids in our asbestos laden and lead painted schools?

Good times.

My coworker says her husband is like a vegan Ron Swanson and their neighbors got mad he had a backhoe parked in their (HOA-free) yard so he got a giant blow up panda to put in the driver's seat to make them madder

Ohh that’s not

Getting blackout drunk and doing some mild trespassing.

Might get wild and laminate some things tonight

sorry i’m late i don’t want to be here

Get busy paying or get busy filing

- The Shawshank Tax Exemption

Who called them OJ conspiracies and not Pulp Fiction

is everyone mad at me

Me when you like and repost my tweet.

I find funerals relaxing because l don’t have to smile.

RIGHT ABOUT NOW.

FUNK SOUL BROTHERS.

CHECK IT OUT NOW.

People will really have themselves a lil doozy of a day and have a couple drinks about it

Apparently, friends with benefits doesn't mean a quiet friend who helps you clean your house.