10- That one should've stayed in the drafts, Mom
Me- And where would the fun in that be?

My mom taught me the best way to pick up a man that works every time. Listen up, ladies, it goes like this- 'Do you want me to make you a sub'? It's like magic.

Mondays are the days you listen to your co-workers talk about their weekend and pretend like you care.

Are you guys ready to view and ignore my next tweet?

This lady just told the doctor's office that her cat destroyed her house and her paperwork. Ma'am, I currently have 6 in my tiny house. You gotta show those fuckers who's boss.

I've just been a bot this whole time.

If they want to, they will.

And other terrible realizations.

Walking the treadmill with a glass of wine counts, damnit.

Dick ratings can go on sale, too.

Nobody:

90’s boy bands:

😂

Mornin ☀️☕

😅

Who's with me?

not again 🫣

Pft... this is NOT how a wine glass fills up

This one- and I say this literally-- pulled me out of a very dark place one night by making me giggle and makes me smile every time I think of it.