WAAAYY behind on this, friends, but please join me in wishing belated birthday wishes to 3 Wild Rainbows & KD 📚🌎🌊🇺🇸, and a most happy birthday today to Lottie-pop 🍭 - three women who make this place better and really class it up. 🎂🎊🎉🥳

Public schools are not Sunday schools.

Where’s the lie?

date: your glasses make you look smart

me: well i had to fail a test to get them so

How to drink tequila.

Called in, 'I'll be flirting from home today. How YOU doin'?'

therapist: pick your battles

me: okay gettysburg

The jet lag from Europe is killing me.

My wife and I are falling asleep around 7:30 PM, which is almost a full ten minutes earlier than we usually do.

My grandmother told me that she’s leaving me everything. Which sounds nice but she’s a hoarder.

I worked with a guy who used to bring in cans of soda, EMPTY THEM WITHOUT DRINKING A SIP, fill them with water and line them on his desk like little tin water soldiers
I never got answers and it haunts me to this day

I’d like to return my 40s, it disagrees with my digestion, and is incompatible with my lower back

I'm 8 panic attacks away from my goal weight.

I’ve been searching all over!

I think my problem may be that I'm both a 'perfectionist' and 'not very good.'

People that back into parking spaces do you know we all hate you?

Love is a battlefield field. Now let me open an account, USAA!

I can usually tell when a movie was made if there are gas prices in the background in street scenes.

The Secretariat Spring Collection of bra and halter sets are out!!

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where's the fun in that?

This newspaper would like to offer our sincerest apologies to Mr. McEldroon, his lovely wife Peggy, and their beautiful children, Michael and Sally. We recently visited them at their home, located at 18 Maplewood Lane, to express our regrets personally.