Jacob Wohl is "technically" not a virgin. He does molest collies.

The delivery here makes this even funnier

Hate to do this, but Bespoke Post is giving away free money for Black Friday and I have a better shot at winning if I share. Forgive me. bspk.me/2DhPH6F via Bespoke Post

As Kamala says, being a leader is not about who you beat down. It’s about who you lift up. Here she is lifting up our Baltimore staff tonight. Cheers to our leader.

Reminders for 2020: -wear sunscreen -pee after sex -VOTE! -reverse racism isn’t real -$18 salads aren’t worth it -expensive toilet paper IS worth it -loneliness is never a good reason to be in a relationship -you have a really nice butt

I FOUND A SUPERNOVA!!!!! I FOUND A MASSIVE STAR THAT EXPLODED ~10 DAYS BEFORE I OBSERVED IT!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! from its spectrum we can measure the expansion rate of the Universe, propelled by dark energy. AAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

and props to @BowlerWine for a remarkably astute simile.

Everything You Need To Know About The Current State Of Major League Baseball As Told By Mean Girls

There is no difference between superhero movies today and the action movies of the 80s.

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

Today I found out @Marina_Sirtis is a Tottenham Hotspur fan and my teenage feelings are bubbling up again.

Without fail, if you order from Crate and Barrel half your order will end up broken

You're drunk #Eta. Get an Uber and go home.

Rewatching old Thanksgiving games on YouTube. Oilers vs Cowboys 1979. • Tony D and Newhouse was a great backfield •Earl Campbell was a punisher •Drew Pearson should be in HOF •Pastorini looked better than Staubach here

retweet if anytime between 2016 and today you called trump a fascist, nazi, or dictator, and were told you were overreacting.

The Zillow skit on Saturday Night Live hit wayyyyyy too close to home.

Can everyone please stop using FedEx? Four deliveries this week to my business, none actually delivered to my actual address. I have to walk two blocks to get my packages.

Rapariga Da Quinta Reserva Tinto 2017 – Vibrant & Rich Black Fruit. 91 Points. buff.ly/3O9l3xW rapariga da quinta 🍷 #redblend

I entered this Stax Records #sweepstakes on #tunespeak. Follow the link below to enter & help me win. tnspk.co/LNvjx90