i knew i matured when i stopped kicking ice under the fridge and picked it up instead

i love having twitter friends (people i follow but have never spoken to)

no fucJKING WAY

i had my head in my hands for like 5 minutes

WHY DID THEY MAKE IT STAND LIKE THAT LMAO

he's judging me so hard for waking him up bro IM SORRY

the qts on this whole thread 😭 oh no

I saw your man crash his fantastical flying machine in the town square and he was stamping his feet and yelling “confound it!”

Nice kids are great, but people need to remember "bad" kids need the most kindness even if they aren't yours. There was a boy that was just awful, breaking into my garage & destroying things. The other kids hated him. One day, I saw him watching my kids & I drawing outside. 1/9

everytime i almost slip in the shower im like lol i just shattered my skull in another timeline. lmfao

when women go into their rooms at night and don’t come out until the sun is up. What are they doing in there

she got the ick because she saw me holding out a lantern and asking "who goes there?"

i just thought about how weird the inside of a mouth looks and now i'm uncomfortable keeping my tongue in there

"like, bitch, i know my shit in bumping, it's eczema" is such a sick line, tyler is insane

*Depressed Swedish guy* I wish I was never bjorn

how does anyone get anything done ? i spend most of my time thinking about how in an hour it will be an hour later

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache