“Every day is a new day” Yeah dude, that’s how days work.

I had a dream last night that I played Maya Rudolph in a play and then she sued me for 15,000 dollars for impersonation.

Girl at work: “Do you know the science behind parrots talking?” Me thinking I’m about to hear some dope bird facts: “No, tell me about it.” Her: “They just repeat things they hear. Isn’t that crazy? Sorry I just love science.”

Coworker: So my mom’s coming to visit for my birthday Me: Oh that’s cool man, when’s your birthday? Coworker: I don’t tell people when my birthday is Me: ....okay

Customer: Can I see a dessert menu? Me: I’m sorry, unfortunately we don’t offer dessert during brunch C: Really? Me: ... C: ... Me: ... C: ... Me: ... C: ... Me: Nope we do, I just wanted to say that for no reason.

It’s wedding invitation season!!!

*sets menu down without looking at it* Guest: Do you have soup? Me: Unfortunately, no we don’t G: No soup at all? Me: Nope, no soup. G: Really? No soup? Me: What am I not saying? Really. We have no soup. G: Well what do you have??

When you listen to 100 episodes of a podcast and finally see what the hosts look like and it doesn’t match up with how you imagined them looking:

No one coughs louder than a person trying to let you know they’re too sick to work their shift.

If I had a time machine I would use it to pause time and take like a 6-hour nap.

A homeless lady was walking by as I’m setting up tables. She pulled one of those hole punches for documents out of her cart, held it up and said, “Do you need this?” I said, “No, but thank you.” She said, “Alright baby” and kept walking. Good to know she looking out for me.

My novel about two high school best friends who start an underground drug ring in suburban North Carolina earned me .20 cents in residuals. I’m still really proud of it. You can get an ebook version for $5 here: books.google.com/books?id=oxgkA…

“Time is a flat circle.” No, you’re thinking of a clock.

I don’t buy into the propaganda that you have to pair and fold your socks. I toss them all loose in one drawer. I will fight someone over this.

Sometimes I’ll just be staring at the sky and think, “That’s fake.”

Here’s my hot take: Only women should be allowed to have guns.

Thanks again Bunni (Hiatus! 💖) Keep being awesome!!!

I can either listen or I can sit still. I can’t do both. Pick one.

Yesterday, I heard a woman say she was 28 and a half.

You ever start googling evidence to support the fake argument you’re having in your head?