Being a small account rocks. You can say anything: scoobing doo

(Cognitive behavioral therapy enjoyer I just cut off in traffic) Think positively. He is probably in a rush for a reason. Maybe he’s late for a job interview. Maybe his wife is giving birth Me: I’m da king of da highway

Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of jellybeans falls open*

QT with a tree pic taken by you

Worker: I can't live on $7.25/hr GOP: So go to college W: I can't afford $100K tuition GOP: Take out loans W: I can't afford to pay these at 8% interest GOP: No one forced you to go to college W: But you just said— Billionaire: I NEED MORE MONEY! GOP: Here's a $2T Tax Cut

FEEB (okay now read this backwards for a surprise!)

my unit is escaping the enemy when the bridge over the ravine collapses, leaving one soldier stranded. i quickly bake a blueberry pie and the aroma lifts him off his feet and carries him to safety on our side

other player at blackjack table: can you count cards? me: buddy, i can count anything. cards, chickens, bananas. it's easy for me

hello please buy the chicken it is good

that’s a cool tv man. can i hold the remote and slide the battery lid open and shut over and over again?

R.I.P. 2023 (2023 - 2023)

$500 TO 1 PERSON WHO REPOSTS THIS. FOLLOW SO WE CAN DM YOU. TAG A FRIEND FOR FUN. 🤗

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 - 2024)

R.I.P. 2025 (2025 - 2025)

before mcdonald's i bet "don't buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule

[Deep South tobacco CEO voice] Now ah, this here ah, Bowsuh charactuh... enlighten me as to hhwhy Mistuh Mario's got such animus for the boy

Be careful not to drop mustard packets on the ground here because when they get stepped on the mustard could squirt on someone's pant leg.

The tree hadn't done anything to deserve being lit on fire, but Timmy was a petty robot. The tree held a quiet beauty, and he was jealous.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it