Dont be askin dumbass questions if you dont want dumbass answers

All you need is love and good hair.

Don't hate me because Keanu Reeves followed me and wants my heart.

I hate the people that make you explain your jokes, like fuck off bro, I’m trying to be funny 🙄

Snow so white You mistake it for coke Instead of getting high You get brain freeze

There was a shooting about 100 yards from where I work. Road closed. Had to take a detour. Car accident a mile north of my house. My 10 minute commute took an hour. Build more fuckin roads Florida

If I tell you ICE is keeping children in cages and they have been sexually assaulted and gone "missing" and you say "they should've came here legally" then you need to block me because you're a piece of shit.

Accidentally got biofreeze on my balls. It's not a titty-dropping good time.

Which song do you like best from below? Deep Purple Tom Cochrane Blackfoot AC/DC #mikesquestions

Sorry Travis, but modern day Bonnie and Clyde were a lot more fortunate than historical Bonnie & Clyde

My daughter is getting married, my dog needs an operation, my wife needs two, and my credit cards are maxed. Think I'll write me a country song...

Not to brag but Jessica Alba keeps making new accounts to follow me on Tik Tok.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally swallow a dick

... Someone got new titties...

That's right, send me a cryptic dm and then ignore my response. I'm almost there...

Imagine realizing you can change someone’s entire life just by being you.

I think you might have a yeast infection...

What were Gaylord Perry's parents thinking?

Goodnight