It’s me. I am person.

At this point, Congress is just an arms dealer. No education. No access to healthcare. No housing. No clean drinking water. But we’ll finance your war.

Sorry I’m late, I would have been here on time but I was shoveling chips into my mouth straight from the bag at 8am

there are just no fucking words that capture the horror and insanity of more than a dozen children being shot to death in their elementary school. especially when it’s not the first time it’s happened. especially when you know nothing will change as a result.

🙌🏽 watch this as much as you watch the game tonight….

Get it together South Salt Lake City , we’re in a drought and this hydrant has been running for at least 7.5 hours

Never saw a fireman stand outside a burning building because they were too scared to go in. Maybe that’s why there aren’t any “fuck the fire department” songs.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?” *motions hysterically in every direction*

Holy. Shit. What a brilliant, horrifying cover.

“I would have lost my marble. Just one marble. I’m not even sure if it’s a whole marble at this point. It might be a photo of a marble.” - Nick Novak

People will say "listen to your body" and then say don't drink diet coke. Pick one

The alarm at the TJ Maxx across the street from my building has been going off since 445am. I know this doesn’t make sense but as I am sleep deprived, I would like to publicly announce I will never shop there again and I will hate them until the end of my days.

My ideal summer body is one that I have complete control over

Boyfriend that drives 🤝 Girlfriend that sits pretty and gives bad directions

“My phone got turned on the moon mode and now I have all these missed calls” - my 26 year old coworker, who just learned what do not disturb is. Petition to only call it “moon mode” from now on

Ryan Smith just destroyed one of the last horcruxes before the Jazz can win the title

Hi Delta 👋 I would love to talk to someone about the USED GUM that was on my seat back and got on my food and personal belongings. So gross, and for how proud y’all are of your “enhanced” cleaning, I’m not feeling it

The greatest. No qualifiers, no modifiers, no asterisks. The greatest. Ever.

. The Park Record turn comments back on for your articles. You screwed up with Amy Roberts, at least maintain some integrity by allowing your readership to have a forum to discuss your latest apology with each other.