Soft hearts break with no sound

Not to brag but I have never quote tweeted myself…

Fun fact: Horses of a different color never get shot no matter who rides in on them.

Why doesn’t the power company turn off power for several minutes on the morning after daylight savings time changes to force everyone to adjust all of their analog/manual clocks?

All I’m saying is, you don’t have to be debonair to be an accountant, but it doesn’t hurt…

I remember like it was yesterday.. we had 140 characters and it was glorious

But did you try buying bitcoin about it?

Marriage be like the wife shows up and her husband will automatically be in the wrong.

I'll look through your DVR before checking your medicine cabinet.

*adds community note to your profile*

I used to be fun and spontaneous, and now I don’t go anywhere without checking traffic and the heat index.

I’m not curvy— I’m fluffy.

I'll let you win an argument but I'd never let you win at Mario Kart... I do have principles

I'd probably use my last breath to say something completely out of pocket

Coldplay’s Scientist is about the love between Frankenstein and the Monster he created.

Time After Time is my favorite song about doing the dishes.

I never in a million years envisioned my life waiting for the next Amazon order yet... here we are.

Disgusted by the severe lack of Oxford comma usage on this app ngl.

This day just quietly washed over me and left no footprints …

My superpower is definitely my typo timing