It’s weird how 3 extra feet of iPhone cable can quadruple your quality of life. 🙌🏼

#DancingWithTheStarsJunior is the perfect mix of Fortnite dances and feeling like an accessory to a crime

I love vegetables. But only when they’re served as bar food, and fried past the point of being recognizable. #HappyHour

Just taught a grown-ass man on this plane how to make his ears pop. Out here changing lives.

#Sephora workers wearing their uniform outside of work look like they’re in the cast of #TheHandmaidsTale

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I’ll never forget the day he was born... The Packers absolutely destroyed the Jets, and I made it back to the hospital just in time. Tig Notaro #DadEulogy

In Columbus Ohio. Everything closes at 7pm... I assume it’s because the people here are afraid of the dark??

What is it about airports that turns people into the kind of psychopath who eats a pretzel-hotdog at 8am? (And no.. it wasn’t me this time)

Whenever I’m in a girls room I’m always like “why does it smell so nice?“ And then I’m like... oh wait... candles. 😅

Hey parents on planes: can you not let your toddlers walk up and down the aisle “meeting” the rest of us?

Me after owning a share of #GameStop for an entire day. #gamestonk

I wish that I had Jessie’s girl... here so she could talk about her independence and how she don’t need no man. 💁🏻‍♂️

Oh yea? Well my grandparents are WAY more woke than yours!

Sitting next to a little kid on the plane... but he has some dope Avengers toys, so I don’t even care if he cries during takeoff 🛫

And Lo, on that day, Jesus arose to deliver, like... the most fiery April Fools prank the Romans had ever seen 🔥🔥🔥

I reached my breaking point and screamed about it into the very empty subway tunnel I was in front of. I’m like, a legit city kid now.

All the Hypebeasts are mooching off the store WiFi. They all wanna be first to throw their money away.

*Customer looking for a garbage can* “Where’s the trash?” *takes garbage from the customer* “I am trash.”