I was insecure for 1 second every day in January

I saw a graph showing how American children's test scores have changed during the pandemic but I couldn't make sense of it. So idk about the kids but I can confirm American adults aren't doing well

The inventor of the GIF, Steve Wilhite, died today. His life should automatically start again from the beginning.

When eating a salad, no bite ever goes as planned. Okay, let's stab that tomato... [slippery tomato evades me] ...or just some arugula and a cucumber. That's fine too.

Wanna know how much I don't cheat on my girlfriend? In our 11 years together, I've only bought her flowers twice.

When paying a ransom with a duffle bag of cash, I think you should be allowed to deduct the cost of the duffle from the total ransom. You want $1M in unmarked bills AND a free duffle bag? Come on dude.

“We want you to bring your whole self to work!” As an introvert, I don’t bring my whole self anywhere. When I leave the house, at least 20% of me stays kept in a closet at home.

I’m accustomed to American portion sizes so it’s hard to imagine pulling a gun out in public and shooting just one person

Before you quip “Oh no, I’m gonna get canceled now!” after your benign and forgettable joke, ask yourself… were you ever green lit in the first place?

Student loan forgiveness makes me angry because I had to pay mine back and, like any well adjusted person dealing with a hardship, I wish my pain on everyone else.

COMING UP! Join us for a live recording of Ryan Brown' newest album AND get an exclusive Goodnights shirt on Jan 22! Grab those tickets + reserve your shirt: bit.ly/3QixfgW

It's always "making a murderer", never "shaping a shoplifter"

ICYMI: Our brand-new venue is open & she's quite the looker! We're stoked for our weekend with Anthony Jeselnik in the main showroom, Kelsey Cook in Room 861, & Sunday with Ryan Brown (+ get an exclusive Goodnights tshirt) Join us for a show: bit.ly/2N7PhlY

I can’t believe some people have the audacity to behave exactly like I would in their situation

They're comparing breathing air in NYC right now to smoking cigs. So after a few drinks, it might feel really good to go out there.

Would love to weigh in here but my patented Accordion Fold™ doesn't seem to be an option

My dad owns every season of Succession on blu ray. My siblings and I are locked in a constant cutthroat competition over who gets them in the will.

Live from New York Comedy Club Stamford it's Wednesday Night Live ft. Dan Altano Dan Altano & Frank Favia ft. Beau McDowell Beau McDowell and Ryan Brown Ryan Brown tonight at 7PM! TICKETS 🎟️⬇️ stamford.newyorkcomedyclub.com/events/wednesd…