I’m just gonna start commenting, “that’s not what you look like” on some of my friend’s selfies.

The best diet I was ever on was called “Just eat the recommended serving size”.

If you don’t weigh yourself after trimming your eyebrows then you’re not a middle aged man.

Fun fact: I have six rolls of electrical tape in my garage only because I’m a man.

What’s it called when you have to scrape the earwax off your earbuds from the last time you used them before you use them again? Asking for a friend

My kids unravel toilet paper like they’re giving the big wheel a mighty spin on The Price is Right.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

I make friends the old fashioned way, by striking up friendly conversation with people who have the best booze in their shopping cart at the liquor store.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Sorry, I only talk to real people.

Not normal is not weird. ~An autobiography

You look like you’ve never recommended a movie to a stranger at a Blockbuster.

Trust me I can’t believe I figured out how to get back on here either. “Takes another three years off”

My manners are impeccable, except for when I tell people to go fuck themselves.

Sometimes you don't realize you're surrounded by selfish people until you come across a genuinely unselfish person and you feel the need to clean house