Honestly proud to say I have never submitted to the tiny desk contest

When that Diminished chord in the chorus of “Stacey’s Mom” hits

CCR asked us if we’ve ever seen the rain, so Dawes could ask what happens when the tequila runs out

We don’t talk enough about how Click is the saddest movie ever made

Dude at 7/11 just bought $300 in lotto tickets and a Lunchable.

How do married men not say ‘MY WIFE’ in borat voice like 20 times a day ?

Praying he loses.

Found out my next door neighbor sings with Frankie Valli, meanwhile I sing weezer songs in my pajamas.

Ya know Crossroads trading co. has a weird way of hurting your feelings with their clothing rejections

A ‘personal’ pizza implies the existence of an Impersonal pizza

Beyond meat implies the existence of Bed & Bath meat

Dudes who listen to the 1975 love to tell you about their semester abroad

I would rather listen to the Kars4Kids song then listen to the Red Hot Chili Peppers

Back in my day no one cared what my astrological sign was, they just wanted to know my favorite character from homestarrunner.com

Gibson Robot Tuners walked, so Fender Acoustasonics could run

Non-profit? No I said I’m a non - prophet

Jesus take the wheel, cause I’m about to sneeze

It’s my Twitter anniversary so here’s my most liked tweet. Thank you all for following me into the dark.

i will forever be on the “bob dylan is the funniest person alive” train