I am a: ⚪️ man ⚪️ woman 🔘 millennial seeking a rich elderly spouse to die in mysterious and semi suspicious circumstances that no jury would ever convict me for

u r my peach u r my plum

My overworked liver to me when I wake up after a night out alive and well

The University is 100% protected from COVID-19 thanks to Duo Two-Factor Authorization

if ur single during the coronavirus pandemic its cuz ur ugly. dont ever forget that. if u looked better u would be quarantined with the person u want

naps aren’t as enjoyable when you’re just using them to skip ahead a few hours

I get if you don't like disco, but a good groove is a good groove!

sorry for the tears ladies but remember bourdain is the only man allowed to make you cry

if someone tried to assassinate me that would make me feel so important and valued and beloved

my body is not a temple it is doofenshmirtz evil incorporated

Getting high and drinking coffee because I don’t want to get anything done or relax

things I like to do: drink an excessive amount of wine until my liver gives out and I feel the burden of being alive lifting

Haven’t left my apartment in 48 hours but have kept my window open to hear all the people with a life, friends, and emotional energy enjoying themselves and making timeless memories that will live on through spoken word poems for generations to come

god i fuckin LOVE a good walk. look at all these TREES. fuck man is that a pinecone? hell ya. gonna awkwardly nod at passing strangers?? dont mind if i do. nothin like some fresh air

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

really love putting hot sauce on something new and saying "game changer." don't we fellas

You can make fun of my bunk beds all you want. It won't hurt me. I love them and I love myself.

Taylor Heinicke is a franchise quarterback