Have you ever said "today I'm going to change the sheets" then waited six years?

How can it be 2023 and I’m still unplugging and re plugging the printer in to make it work…

Someone told me that they had an American Express High Heel account yesterday and I was super disappointed when I found out it was “high yield” instead.

The jokes on her, not only did I go fly that kite but I had a great time doing it.

if by chance our paths cross again if will be with a smile

In this drawer, I keep the time I walked into a door frame in front of a handsome, cruel man.

People who can sleep without white noise or a fan are psychopaths.

There is a direct correlation between how much I am annoying my kids and how heavily they accentuate the M’s when they say “Mom.”

if i ever need to assemble an elite team of ride or dies i’m headed straight for the nearest bar bathroom to round up my girlies bc we ride at dawn.

I know the edible kicked in when out of the blue I want to DM people about how good of a parallel parker I am.

There are only two things I hate about public transport: 1. The public 2. The transport.

no one knows how much pain it took to become this calm.

I’m at the stage where if I exert myself, ibuprofen is my morning after pill.

Wearing my Nascar tank to Walmart and my husband is worried that so many men are gonna hit on me

The old “in-out, in-out” except it’s the dog at the back door when you’re trying to work remotely.

Left the house without my water cup and panicked… Until I realized that I survived up until 2015 everyday without one.

*Watching the Olympics while icing my back* "That doesn't look that hard"

I wish I saved money like I save plastic grocery bags.

I believe in making so much that I look both ways even on one way streets.

[Me at the bar] "Ugh everyone here has scoliosis"