Hot goth girls in your area want to meet up and sacrifice you to the old gods.

A few jokes later and here we are.

I won’t press charges against your mom for throwing her empty boxes of wine at me.

imagine he deports him

You can't just sweep the elephant in the room under the rug.

Describing it as "pooping" really understates the majesty of what just happened.

I’m just a girl standing in front of cup of low-fat Greek yogurt asking it to be a donut

Got kicked out of poetry Twitter for rhyming oranges with sore asses

Actually, your email doesn't find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, I unpeeled my banana to reveal a big bruise, and I found a spoon in the fork section of the drawer. My life is spiraling out of control.

Spreading mustard all over myself until you pay attention to me.

Road trips are way more fun when you are wanted in every surrounding state

I’ll take a rotisserie chicken into the bedroom and lock the door, idgaf.

I miss my Dad opening the windows and talking about cross-ventilation.

Frankenstein was the doctor. The monster is you. It has always been you.

A massage isn’t enough. I need someone to run me through a pasta maker.

The English language has a ridiculous amount of words for having sex but no word that means schadenfreude. We deserve our fate.

Leisure is a Southern aesthetic. Constant toil for trinkets and social status is a sign of insecurity. The Southerner labors intently and then enjoys the fruits of his labor during his hours of leisure. It's a sign to the world that he alone is the Master of his time and labor.

I've always wanted to be part of something. So I've decided to be part of the problem.

Keep Calm and Cary Elwes was great in Princess Bride.

dude asked for my id and followed it with “i don’t actually think you’re underage i just have to” … and that’s how i got this teardrop tattoo