Doctors told women to stop smoking during pregnancy because they were jealous of the cool ass babies wearing sunglasses and leather jackets that kept popping out

at least the vultures circling overhead are looking out for me

you look vaguely familiar. did you give birth to me and raise me

all my opps are rotting from the inside out and have become extremely chopped

Just realized you have to talk to someone if you’re interested in them. Fucked up

it’s fucking weird that in order to go to sleep you have to pretend like you are already sleeping

If you don’t give every single one of my Venmo transactions with you that tiny little red heart by liking it I am reporting it as fraud

Genuinely just trying to pick up my meatzza

I’m driving fast because I mean it

I AM THE ELDEST GEN Z POSSIBLE. I WAS BORN IN THE YEAR 97. YOU CAN COME TO ME WITH ANY QUESTIONS.

i talk to one woman every seven years and if it doesn't work out i brood for the remainder

Drinking 1000 beers and smoking 1000 cigarettes and then dying

why is diarrhea up to $6 a gallon?

Bro last night was exactly as the prophecy foretold

Is there ever gonna be a redhead with bangs to cure my trauma

Actually I think they had it right the first time , Chicago should have stayed burnt down 🤣

I probably shouldn’t have spent all my money on jewelry for that gerbil that wasn’t even mine

I don’t think people realize how blown you have to get to achieve smithereens status

it would be crazy to be the first guy to be blown up by a hand grenade. what the hell just bounced in here. some kind of component

After three beers you can call in a UAV to locate cigarettes on your mini map