Feel need to share with #SonNo1, @craignewman. x.com/donwill/status…

Don’t cry 4-3 Argentina

Have you heard my head hitting my desk this past week, Merriam-Webster? Thank you! x.com/MerriamWebster…

GTFOH! 🐷🔪🍺

“This is a targeted incident that the riders should not feel any type of discomfort or any type of hesitation in riding the cta.” — Chicago Police WUT? Because this dude was a better shot than most? OK.

It’s #NationalFosterCareMonth. For every retweet of this tweet, we will donate $1 – up to $10K – to the organization KidsInTheSpotlight. Even better, comedycentral will match that donation, and jim jefferies will personally match the donation as well. on.cc.com/2LAP9xM

Please reach out to Bethenny Frankel for PPE. #BStrong is helping other governors acquire medical supplies. cc: @JBPritzer Anne Caprara Jordan Abudayyeh IDPH | Illinois Department of Public Health

The same goes for touring comedians, DM us y’all

And I'm dead. cc: @craignewman x.com/stevepatten/st…

This dude kept a woman chained and shackled to her jail bed during childbirth. I will never forget that story... x.com/WBEZ/status/90…

You've got work to do Matt Schmitz. x.com/facialmerkin/s…

Rick Astley has just come on stage to perform Never Gonna Give You Up with Foo Fighters. "How am I supposed to follow that?" asks Dave Grohl

Liam Gallagher making tea is the best thing you'll see today. As you were.

"Lawn mowed just so. Solid oak front door. 3-car garage. Why do you make your house so attractive if you don’t want someone to break in?" x.com/HeidiStevens13…

It's uhhhh unfortunate that John Lewis won't honor the sacrifices made by ... [looks down at notes] ... John Lewis. x.com/ElizLanders/st…

FYI @craignewman. x.com/simonblackwell…

One shoe bomber tried to blow up a plane and now we are forced to take off our shoes. 1606 mass shootings since Sandy Hook Elementary School and Congress has done NOTHING.