I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.

Sorry that offended you, I really didn't think you'd get it.

Is setting a liars pants on fire technically considered arson? Need to know ASAP.

There is a company called Kia and a company called Nokia. I'm not sure who to believe.

probably the worst thing you could do to an old person is force them to watch you tear up a bunch of coupons

I have 2 looks - cute and homeless.

The phrase "Don't take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.

Sorry I didn't show up for our date but I wanted you to have a good time.

Do you leave important tabs open for an amount of time, but never end up actually using them?

It used to bother me that I didn't fit in. Now I smile at all those miserable people who do.

I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it's AM. Google thinks I've got my life together.

The original creator of the phrase "common sense" surely didn't know many people.

Feeling crazy is a perfectly reasonable reaction to being alive.

So you're saying that "Mario Brothers" implies that Luigi's name is Luigi Mario and Mario's name is Mario Mario?

If you trip and are about to fall on the ground yell "He's got a gun!" and then you'll look like a cool hero.

Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.